A Prisoner of My Emotions

I am once again in an extremely pathetic situation where my feelings for this certain someone remain unrequited, unrecognized, and worst, unexpressed. I’ve been suffering from this excruciating there-is-nothing-you-could-do-but-to-look-at-him-from-a-safe-distance scenario for as long as I can remember. I’ve grown used to it. But honestly, it sucks. It sucks so bad to be a prisoner of your own emotions, a coward who readily accepted the security of the safe unknown instead of taking the risk and giving “what could be” a try.

What’s actually weird is that I’m not even thinking of telling him that I like him. I’m just thinking of sending him a friend invite on Facebook. I don’t want to give him any hint that I’m interested whatsoever. I don’t want him to start paying attention to me just because he had this gut feeling that I like him. I want him to know me simply because he wants to. I want sincerity. If he wants me to be a part of his life or out of it, as long as it is according to what his heart tells him, so be it.

However, I can never deny the fact that I sometimes feel like I’m not being true to myself. I like him and I’m not making the effort to be even just a step closer to him. I long for sincerity and here I am being a traitor to my heart’s desire. And in my choice of staying in the comfort of not trying thus not letting anyone hurt me, I felt that I’m not really safe at all. The what ifs appear to be pieces of broken glass scraping through my skin, injuring my flesh. What if we turn out to be really good friends? Or what if we’re meant to be? What if he’s the missing piece that will make my heart complete? But then, what if he’s not worth the try, the heartache?

For now, I will probably get back to my usual routine of visiting his Facebook profile, staring at that “add as friend” button, thinking about the single click that may change everything, and ending up not doing so. I will probably continue wishing our paths to cross and when it actually happens, avoiding eye contact.

There’s an enormous possibility that this feeling will soon fade away. I may eventually forget how I am feeling right now. And to that chance I will hold on to. I can’t afford to take any risk. And I really do hope I’m doing the right thing.

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