A Moment You’d Rather Forget but Always Remember

Today is again one of those days you wouldn’t want to remember. It’s the same dreary, hopeless moment you’ve grown familiar with. And there’s nothing you could do but lock yourself up in your room, sit down in a corner, cry, pity yourself, and compose a blog entry about your worthless, pathetic life while listening to some sad songs on the radio. You could feel all these overwhelming emotions inside your chest and it seems like whatever you do would never be enough to free yourself from all your emotional baggage.

You’re sad, bitter, angry, lonely, depressed…
Maybe because you realized that no one really cares except for your dog who gets excited every time he catches a glimpse of your unexceptional and actually uninteresting ordinary face. You’ll consider this caring for you not because you’re dumb enough to not know the fact that your dog won’t even recognize it when he stops seeing you but because that’s the most you could get. Maybe because you felt defeated though you’re not really in a race or something. It might be occasionally losing to a cold piece of metal in that Tic Tac Toe game when you set it to expert mode. Or you just felt that you’re the worst person in the world. You’re not really sure why you feel defeated but you just are. Or maybe because you like this someone so freakin’ much and you know that there’s no way he’ll feel the same. Why the hell would he? There are tons of pretty faces out there, better girls. He would be so blind and stupid to settle for a mixed-up, jaded, insignificant you. You’ve never even talked to him. And you’ll never have the chance to. Not in a million years. You couldn’t even “research” about him because you’re not Facebook friends (which is like the worst case scenario). You’ll probably end up an old lady who would die alone due to heart attack while sitting in a rocking chair in your fancy house you were able to afford because you got insanely rich after you managed to put that “Engr.” in your name and your body would remain undiscovered for like forever. And you liked that rich and “Engr.” part you wrote and you smiled like an idiot while alone in your room and making this post. But still, you want this someone so bad you got lonely again. You remember his face- those eyes, that smile. Why can’t he be yours? You then realized that among the “maybes”, the one with him is the lengthiest. And you’ll contend that a million words would never be enough to tell how much your heart longs for his. Oh dear, if he only knew. But what if he knew? Would there be any progress? No. It would just make things worse. Good thing the ones who know about this have no way to tell him. Your secret is perfectly safe. But it’s not the kind you keep because you don’t want others to know. It’s the one you bury in the deepest corner of your soul because you’re afraid of what might happen once the world knew. Not really the world though, just him. Well, does it matter? They’re practically the same- your world and him. At least for now. And that Phillip Phillips song that just played drew a smile on your face. But you can’t get over being sad because you just like this someone so much, and you miss him, and you feel the need to once again have a glimpse of his face. He’s not the handsomest guy around but there’s something about him that makes you ignore the rest. Maybe the way he seem to not mind how he looks, maybe you being curious about what goes on in his mind every time he sees you, or maybe it’s a mystery that would remain unsolved. Or maybe you’re feeling all these crazy emotions because you haven’t ate dinner. Maybe because of a little bit of all the maybes. Or maybe because of the heaviness of everything.

It’s again a night of those roller coaster surges of emotions that drive you mad, and a moment you would rather banish from your memory but you’ll remember anyway.

Originally  published on October 18, 2012, 10:25 P.M. via Tumblr

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