It has been almost four months since I last posted, and it could be long before I post something again. There’s still a lot that’s been going on in my life, of course. These roller coaster moments usually propel me to write, which apparently I can’t seem to do this past year. I just cannot find the words. And not being able to write anything makes me feel like I’m not completely myself lately. Truly, there are so many things I have yet to discover about who I am. But if there’s one thing I am sure of about me, it is that deep inside the core of my being is someone who writes. Let me just find me, then I’ll be back.
I didn’t know why. And I don’t want to know. Or I think I know, but this isn’t what I wanted. You shouldn’t.
I just feel so tired of everything, of everyone. Please send help.
Living is rarely easy. It means suffering because of mistakes you didn’t make. It means accepting that there will always be times when you can do nothing about people and circumstances being unfair. It means enduring another blow when you’re still trying to get back up.
While it is true that the universe doesn’t owe anybody anything and that life is as beautiful and incredible as it is tragic and messy, there will always be days when nothing can make you the least bit happy. And I think that it’s okay. It’s okay to stop trying to find happiness once in a while. It’s okay to allow ourselves to wallow in our loneliness and pain. It’s okay to be sad and angry. It’s okay to not get over it and move on. It’s okay to feel and to be human.
And during these times when your ugly shows, when you’re a big mess, when you’re being difficult, I hope you have someone who still sees you for the amazing human being that you are. Someone who lets you be vulnerable and weak. Someone who doesn’t get uncomfortable with the stream of your tears and the whirlwind of your emotions. Someone who knows how to dance in your storm. Someone who understands the complexity of your character.
And while you’re waiting for this person to enter your life, try to be that someone to yourself. And be that someone to others, too.
Amazingly, it has already been four years since I started seeking refuge in writing- the one of the very few things that allow me to step back and detach from life and at the same time delve deeper into it. It would have been utterly nice to celebrate this feat yet I am still at the very same position of sitting here bleeding and wanting nothing but for everything to be okay. Truly, there have been ups and downs, a roller coaster ride of emotions, tragedies, and victories. However, I cannot help feeling as if the ups are merely detours and being on the lowest point has always been the destination. Nonetheless, I still am fortunate for having something to run to where I can be free to be my own self regardless of the misery, frailty, and vulnerability woven into the fabric of my being. I still am fortunate to have this, and to have me. I may be all I have, but maybe I am all I need.
I believe that in life, rarely is anything just black or white. Something cannot, and should not, be easily tagged as right or wrong, good or bad, is or isn’t. There is always a sea of gray whose depths can sometimes be difficult to fathom. There is always a story behind everything- a story waiting to be revealed, a story demanding to be read. And in the complexity of life, it is easier to recognize something for what it isn’t than for what it is. Like knowing you don’t love someone than being certain you do. Like realizing who aren’t your friends than recognizing who truly are.
So once you finally find what’s real, who you love and who loves you, hold on tight and don’t let go.
Yesterday, I was able to escape the curse of my overly long break once again. That is for the second consecutive Thursday, thank God. This time, it was a first time. And this time, it was going back to my one great love- films.
Travelling from one city to another, riding jeeps and trains, I was finally able to see Dagitab. It’s been years since I’ve longed to see this film. The first time I saw the trailer, I fell in love right there and then. That moment, I knew I had to see the film. That moment, I knew this longing was a void I should fill. And the moment I had the chance, I did.
I’d love to talk about Dagitab but I won’t for now.
Instead, let’s talk about Cinema ’76. It was where I found the chance to finally see Dagitab. I know I’ve waited too long to see such a beautiful film. But it was worth it. After my Cinema ’76 experience, I was glad I hadn’t seen Dagitab someplace else. I was captivated by its intimacy, which made everything a whole lot more personal. When I left, I knew it wouldn’t be long before I would want to come back.