Bliss

I saw Jerrold Tarog’s Bliss about a couple of weeks ago and I loved it. Aside from its dauntlessness and its being tastefully made and well-acted, I can somehow identify with Jane.

My every waking moment…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

where I am 100000000000000000% Jane. LOL

#NoteToSelf

Living is rarely easy. It means suffering because of mistakes you didn’t make. It means accepting that there will always be times when you can do nothing about people and circumstances being unfair. It means enduring another blow when you’re still trying to get back up.

While it is true that the universe doesn’t owe anybody anything and that life is as beautiful and incredible as it is tragic and messy, there will always be days when nothing can make you the least bit happy. And I think that it’s okay. It’s okay to stop trying to find happiness once in a while. It’s okay to allow ourselves to wallow in our loneliness and pain. It’s okay to be sad and angry. It’s okay to not get over it and move on. It’s okay to feel and to be human.

And during these times when your ugly shows, when you’re a big mess, when you’re being difficult, I hope you have someone who still sees you for the amazing human being that you are. Someone who lets you be vulnerable and weak. Someone who doesn’t get uncomfortable with the stream of your tears and the whirlwind of your emotions. Someone who knows how to dance in your storm. Someone who understands the complexity of your character.

And while you’re waiting for this person to enter your life, try to be that someone to yourself. And be that someone to others, too.

Fourth

Amazingly, it has already been four years since I started seeking refuge in writing- the one of the very few things that allow me to step back and detach from life and at the same time delve deeper into it. It would have been utterly nice to celebrate this feat yet I am still at the very same position of sitting here bleeding and wanting nothing but for everything to be okay. Truly, there have been ups and downs, a roller coaster ride of emotions, tragedies, and victories. However, I cannot help feeling as if the ups are merely detours and being on the lowest point has always been the destination. Nonetheless, I still am fortunate for having something to run to where I can be free to be my own self regardless of the misery, frailty, and vulnerability woven into the fabric of my being. I still am fortunate to have this, and to have me. I may be all I have, but maybe I am all I need.

What Isn’t

I believe that in life, rarely is anything just black or white. Something cannot, and should not, be easily tagged as right or wrong, good or bad, is or isn’t. There is always a sea of gray whose depths can sometimes be difficult to fathom. There is always a story behind everything- a story waiting to be revealed, a story demanding to be read. And in the complexity of life, it is easier to recognize something for what it isn’t than for what it is. Like knowing you don’t love someone than being certain you do. Like realizing who aren’t your friends than recognizing who truly are.

So once you finally find what’s real, who you love and who loves you, hold on tight and don’t let go.

Among the Many Firsts

IMG_20160825_214552

Yesterday, I was able to escape the curse of my overly long break once again. That is for the second consecutive Thursday, thank God. This time, it was a first time. And this time, it was going back to my one great love- films.

Travelling from one city to another, riding jeeps and trains, I was finally able to see Dagitab. It’s been years since I’ve longed to see this film. The first time I saw the trailer, I fell in love right there and then. That moment, I knew I had to see the film. That moment, I knew this longing was a void I should fill. And the moment I had the chance, I did.

I’d love to talk about Dagitab but I won’t for now.

Instead, let’s talk about Cinema ’76. It was where I found the chance to finally see Dagitab. I know I’ve waited too long to see such a beautiful film. But it was worth it. After my Cinema ’76 experience, I was glad I hadn’t seen Dagitab someplace else. I was captivated by its intimacy, which made everything a whole lot more personal. When I left, I knew it wouldn’t be long before I would want to come back.

On Suffering v2.0

Kaya mo pa ba?”

We all suffer. And often, our pain seems to linger. Even after so many days, so many months, so many years. Eventually, we get tired. We want so badly for it to end, but it seems like it never would. We cry out to the Lord to free us from all our burdens, to free us from the cross we carry. And when our prayers seem unheard, unanswered, we begin to doubt, to despair, to fall apart.

I guess it’s okay to feel this way. I guess it’s okay to allow ourselves to be human.

Even so, please know that the Lord sees everything. The pain we endure won’t ever be in vain. The Lord will reward our suffering. Maybe not now and not here, but in His own perfect time. More so, how can we ever follow Christ if we refuse to carry our cross?

All my life, I’ve been asking the Lord liberate me from my pain, from my suffering, from my cross. Today, I ask the Lord to give me the strength and the courage to carry my cross and to follow Him no matter how difficult, no matter how painful, no matter how long.

My suffering is my offering.

More of You and less of me.

Kaya mo pa ‘yan. Jesus loves you more than most.

 

 

Thank you for a wonderful mass, Fr. Hans. Right at the time when I needed it most.